Hard earned wisdom on the subject of formal long term relationships
ANY FOOL CAN SAY “I DO”
By Ray St. Ray
Life is a journey best traveled with someone who really wants to and is capable of going to the same place you do.
It’s like a road trip. Sooner or later you’ll decide on a destination, a purpose for traveling, someplace you want to end up. Until you figure this out, you’re just practicing, preparing for the real journey, and have no business making long term commitments.
On that road trip of life you will meet some people who are a load of laughs, but they’re not necessarily going to the same place as you, if they’re going anyplace at all, and if you’re smart you won’t get too attached to them. You’ll meet a few people that you’d LOVE to share a tight place with, like a small car, a bed or a bank account. What you really need, however, is a traveling companion who REALLY WANTS TO and CAN go to the same place you do.
That is the kind of traveling companion you want. They won’t bitch the whole way. They won’t keep trying to talk you into going somewhere else. They won’t wander off when something looks more attractive and they won’t be inclined to ditch you when things get rough. There will be times when you just want to relax and let someone else be in control for a while. It’s nice to be able to take a nap without fear of waking up a thousand miles off course.
Oh yeah, and we all bring a certain amount of baggage, so to speak. It’s easier to be with someone whose baggage is complimentary to your own, or at least doesn’t bring more than you can carry. Better yet, someone who travels light.
Until you meet someone like that, you will journey faster and smoother alone. Otherwise, just resign yourself to transient relationships and the drama that usually comes with them.
In the Eighties I was married. And divorced. Three times. It seemed like the thing to do at the time. The result of mistakes in judgement and personal integrity problems, I wouldn’t say my marriages were necessarily unhappy, except for those parts toward the ends and right after. Things usually get so dramatic, sometimes even traumatic. Hey, I lost three complete homes and most of the contents therein, but I still have the love of two children and some excellent wisdom to share. If I hadn’t been through those experiences, you wouldn’t be reading this, so it all worked out for the best.
In the Nineties your Singing Cab Driver serenaded a young lady on her way to the office. Romance ensued. If there’s a love of my life so far, she comes closest.
I loved her. She loved me. Lordy, how we loved! She made damn good money as a lawyer, probably more in her Christmas bonus than I make all year, but she hated her job. I make no money and love what I do. There was a definite conflict of philosophy. I have a mission in life and am always looking for a fun partner to share the adventure with. She was confused and ambiguous about her own life and couldn’t find the courage of conviction to go the distance with the likes of me, let alone stake her own claim to a big picture. Her egg timer was ticking noisily and she was antsy for a commitment, but under the circumstances I could only commit to being her friend.
You see, I had learned something from my three divorces.
Also, I had a band for about twenty years that broke up four times. Band dynamics are very similar to marriages. There are just more people involved.
Here’s what I think.
It is very important that 1) you know who YOU really are, 2) where you REALLY want to go in life and 3) are WELL on your way to going there before you even THINK about making long term commitments.
And you should only consider making long term commitments with someone who 4) knows who THEY really are, 5) where they REALLY want to go in life and 6) are WELL on their way to going there.
And if, ONLY IF, those six things happen to align and head in the same direction will two people nowadays have a reasonable chance of living HAPPILY together for a long period of time.
We’ll assume that you’re somewhat sexually attracted to each other and can communicate in the first place. None of what I’m talking about, however, has anything to do with LOVE or SEX or ROCK’N’ROLL. It is possible to fall in love, enjoy sex or make beautiful music with almost anyone who is not too hideous, and even some people who are. No, I’m talking about what will keep two people happily together for a long period of time while they still fulfill their potential as individuals.
If any one of those six things is weak, missing or intentionally overlooked “in the name of love”, it will sooner or later become the source of grudging compromise and stress in the relationship.
But how can you be sure? How can you be certain? Well, that is a science in itself, but here are some hints. Someone who doesn’t know himself or herself is easily influenced by more forceful personalities. Their “opinions” are usually those of a parent, a teacher, a friend, peer group or just their all round religious, institutional and commercial expectations. A person who doesn’t really know where they want to go in life, will tend to change their mind a lot or assume someone else’s goals.
These are things you can observe. Patterns need to be seen over a period of time. Frustration and contempt are not the products we seek in a relationship but are often what we end up with. Whose fault is the failure of a marriage if the warning signs were there at the beginning but you weren’t smart enough to see them or heed them if you did?
I think it should be law that a couple has to live together for at least three years before they can be issued a marriage license. There would a lot fewer divorces. Even complete sociopaths have a hard time keeping up appearances for that long.
Meanwhile, if you enjoy having great sex with someone, or deep conversations or, better yet, both, STAY FRIENDS! Don’t make promises you’ll wish you didn’t have to keep. Don’t have babies, don’t share pets, don’t sign long term contracts or buy property together and don’t get married until you’re both really ready.
We are all growing. Life is more fun with someone who’s growing in the same direction and at about the same speed that you are.
ANY FOOL CAN SAY “I DO.”
IT TAKES A PERSON OF REAL INTEGRITY TO JUST SAY “NO”.